Thursday, February 10, 2011

Introducing: An Ultra Exclusive, Limited Edition Fragrance


We here at I Smell Therefore I Am have often asked ourselves, "How can one capture the idea of the emotion of the sensation of a bodily function?" That is a mouthful, and quite a lot to think about. Sitting in our little production offices, our thinking caps screwed on tight, we've also sometimes pondered the age old question, "How does one collect a substance whose production can only be stimulated from within?" These are questions prehistoric men tried to work out on the rough stone walls of their cave dwellings, and though many have asked themselves since, we at I Smell think we have come up with the most exclusive answer to this age old insoluble. We not only managed to isolate this substance, but have found a way to manufacture the stuff ourselves and to present it in the most luxurious manner possible, at the most pointedly expensive price imaginable. We gave it a French name, to make it extra fancy. Ladies, and gentleman, we present to you: Le Petite Fart.


We searched long and hard--strenuously, even--for a perfumer who might be able to distill this ultimate human extract into a scent, triggering your most primal reactions. It was an uphill grunt of a battle; often gut wrenching, we can tell you. Not just anyone can capture the evocative fecal fantasia of the body's most intimate secretions. In fact, only Beauregard Deux-Duchampion was full of it enough. Deux-Duchampion's Petite Fart exudes an animal carnality with moist, salty hints of sweat and urea. It comes over you like a majestic log of intoxication. We would tell you what's in it, but we would then have to kill you, in the most silent but deadly fashion imaginable. Take it from us and from more important people than you: This stuff is the bomb. In nature, we run from such an aromatic pyramid. Only the wonderful art of perfumery can make us want to rub our noses in it. The fragrance, like our methods, is explosively intense. Like a gust of noxious air from the bowels of a torridly pungent beast, Petite Fart seduces you with repellant fantasies of debasement.

Each bottle of Petite Fart holds only 10 ml of dark, viscous, pure perfume. Most perfumes contain between 10% and 40% of aromatic compounds. Petite Fart is 100% bullcrap. Petite Fart represents total release. Beyond a scent, it is a convulsion of the senses, a hot, gasping breath that penetrates your memories and alters your subconscious. Petite Fart sits on the fine line between toiletry and toilet, somewhere between excretion and excrement. It is the cutting edge of fragrance, the last word in stuff you wouldn't be caught dead wearing but can be made to feel you must not live without. We shit you not.

We have manufactured only 100 containers of Petite Fart. Each costs 1000 dollars. In case you feel that paying 1000 dollars is excessive for the pleasure and the luxury of bottled excrement, however rare, we have asked twenty artists to contribute an original, corresponding work of (f)art to the project, something they see in their mind's eye when they think of poop. You will not receive a copy of their work with your purchase, as it is difficult to transmit such one of a kind material through the mail, but you will receive the satisfaction of knowing that well known and sometimes infamous artists have put their names on this enterprise, adding to its pervasive air of bullshit.

As a disclaimer, we should point out that, yes, fine, there is a product called Liquid Ass, and that product has been on the market for some time, and Liquid Ass smells remarkably similar to Petite Fart in certain respects, but Liquid Ass, we should also point out, is only 5 bucks for a reason, and any product which advertises itself using the tag line "smells like ass...only worse" is really not anywhere in Petite Fart's league. Petite Fart blows away the competition, because we talk about it as if it were something preciously ephemeral, which it is, as opposed to merely scatological, which it isn't. Liquid Ass smells like nothing more than unwashed underwear, whereas we, ladies and gentleman, offer something far more illustrious and risque, a scent far more exalted, redolent of the sweetest, most exquisite, rarest of displeasures. Liquid Ass is, of course, as cheap and tawdry as its price tag would lead you to believe. It's so cheap it comes in 30 ml bottles ("size enough for many room-evacuating emissions," says the website. How crass!). Our 10 ml bottles of Petite Fart bring people closer together by putting them in touch with what drives them away, and you can't put a price on that, but we felt we should charge something, just so you know how precious such a thing is.

Please leave us a message if you would like us to bottle you up some, y'all! Our heads are up our asses, ready and waiting for your calls.

24 comments:

Sean said...

Can't wait for the summer flanker - Le Petite Fart Fresh

brian said...

We are pinching that one out as we speak.

Mikael said...

And the winter flanker - Le Petite Fart Intense!

brian said...

Le Petite Fart Noir Extreme!

Brian said...

"Beauregard Deux-Duchampion"
wow. Just wow.

Zanne said...

Yippy-Yippy-YAI-Yippy-YO-yo-YO ~ bEAuTIfuL MADman, you've DONE it!!! The *Final Level*! The wafty-magic-carpet RIDE to end all Smellingz!! (can Abigail make affordable decants??)

brian said...

Yes, if we can come up with a properly grand name for them!

Tania said...

..... and for the ladeez - Le Petite Queef!

Good one - I just giggled helplessly & loudly in the office! S'ok tho, they already know I'm odd.... ;-)

tarleisio said...

Finally, someone figures out a way to cut through the hype! This made my morning.Thank you for that!

queen_cupcake said...

Does this come in a ....um,...solid?

Violaine said...

Touché!
The roll-on flacon for anal collectionneur is a must! it's the only one missing....

Ines said...

I'm wondering the same as Queen Cupcake. :D
Absolutely genious is all I can say.

brian said...

Solid! That's brilliant. I think the flanker should be super pretentious. It should be something incredibly wordy. A diarrhea of words. From the team that brought you Mon Petite Fart, introducing Petite Fart Noir Intense, No.2.

The sad thing is, I quoted much of the post's copy directly from Petite Mort. People really do write ad copy like this, and come up with ideas just exactly this lame. It's astonishing. You either laugh or you cry.

Olfacta said...

The "Shart" version could be called Le Petite Fart Eau Fraiche.

I think some performance artist actually did sell containers of his own, um, excretment. Why is this no surprise?

brian said...

I think that might be the artist's work in the accompanying photo--butt I'm not sure.

Yeah, not a surprise I guess. But this whole Petit Mort thing? Is it just because it's translated from French that the ad copy sounds so ridiculously pretentious? And I love how it's a little cabal of "avant-garde" men replicating essentially a woman's orgasm. How creepy. How about the smell of men...getting excited as they excited themselves looking at pornographic magazines? Let's bottle that smell. Perhaps the scent is meant to evoke men and women both? At the moment of release? I somehow doubt it.

Patty said...

There are tears of laughter in my eyes as I type. You are brilliant! I'm bookmarking this one for future enjoyment.

brian said...

For those of you wondering, the specific inspiration for this post was:

http://petitemortparfum.com/

Though we all know this is really just one expression--the latest--of a disease.

rose said...

Love it! I was hoping you would come up with something - brilliant! And your picture shows indeed the canned artist's shit by Piero Manzoni from 1961; these other guys are really way behind!

Angela Cox said...

I should be on the production line after brussel sprouts on Sundays . This line could really take off, anyone know menopausal sweat in French ?

ScentScelf said...

Oh! Oh! Oh! May I please lead the documentary team creating the obligatory "The Making of..." piece for "oops, I posted again" loading onto YouTube?

You're full of perfume, you know?

Ms. Rachael said...

Brian,

A while back you suggested two perfumes to me, Rumba by Balenciaga and Histoire d'Amour by Aubusson. They came in the mail yesterday and I've just got to say thank you! They are so exquisite and wonderful! Thank you thank you!

brian said...

Fantastic, Rachael! I'm so glad you like them. From looking at what you had out on your dresser in those pics it seemed like you might be into them. Spray away!

Perfumeshrine said...

BUT BUT....I must intervene!! Why is it Petite??? It's Le Fart, you ignorant-of-French declinations-and genii-writer!! (am I channeling anyone?), so it should be Le Petit Fart!
"Petite Fart represents total release. Beyond a scent, it is a convulsion of the senses. Between toiletries and toilet". These are classics, not to mention the famous rock-star perfumer behind it!! And yeah...not far removed from the actual reality of the perfumery "art" nowadays.
I'm saving up my pennies to buy your book of satire. Seriously!

brian said...

Yes, PShrine! You are channeling loud and clear.

It's wild how French is really just a shorthand for exclusive at this point, so that all you have to say is Le, or some vaguely French-sounding name. You don't have to have the spelling right, or even the grammar. It's French by FEEL, no? I wish I understood French better so I could butcher it less artlessly.